Insomniac Ramblings

Out of Slug-ville

life takes many turns
I've waited to make this post until all members of family have been notified so that my journal doesn't take anyone by surprise.  That has finally happened so that I may now talk openly here.   Well, as open as I will be here...

The love of my life has been diagnosed with cancer and is now aware she will be fighting for her life once again.  This is the second time she has had to endure this in her short life as she is younger than myself by 11 years.  Thus far, she has only been diagnosed and we are waiting to find how advanced the cancer is, though the doctor who found the cancer believes she is in stage one or perhaps stage two.  She has cervical cancer that is metastasizing to her uterus and will need a hysterectomy and chemo-therapy.

I have found myself going through a lot of emotional turbulence because of all that is going on.  I'm trying to stay as strong as possible and think as positively as I can about the process and outcome of the trials ahead.  Most of the time, I'm doing okay with it.   I have found some support for myself, although it has been limited.  I've cried in anger.  I've cried in fear.  I feel so lost sometimes as it seems there's so little I can do--yet I want so desperately to help ease her pain and my heart aches to see her hurting so much.  She's already in so much physical pain from the cancer and the medication she's now taking makes her sick and takes a lot of energy out of her.

I was very upset tonight by all that is going on and I openly cried, and well--rather lost my composure on the phone with her tonight.  It hurt me so badly to watch her inform someone so close to us about her cancer only to have that person ask what effect her cancer will have on them, rather than asking how they could perhaps aid the situation.  Not once did they offer any words of kindness or of concern or support.  When they were told, it was only about them and how it was going to effect their life, not hers.  Sadly, I had expected this response from this person...but had hoped with all my heart that I was wrong and that they would handle things as a true friend and someone who would be supportive and caring.  Not one note of caring--just what and how it was going to change their life.  How can anyone be so cold and self-centered???  I'm angry and crushed as I had hoped for so much more from them.  I had hoped they would instead be understanding and had said "what can I do to be supportive to you".  Anything!  The conversation happened quickly, but I think I remember hearing them actually say, "Why are you telling me this?"  WTF!  I'm losing what's left of my composure, so I need to move on to something else.  I'm still obviously very upset about this.

I'm reaching out right now to everyone who might be able to be supportive and lend a kind ear about this.  I know I will need my own support system and outlet to talk and vent and cry and everything else throughout this process. 

Blessed Be.

I wasn't able to watch the election results on tv the way I had wanted last night, and was informed of the presidential results by text of a friend rather than the evening news coverage.  However, later in the evening I caught re-runs of part of Barack Obama's acceptance speech.  It brought tears to my eyes and began to cry, as I finally see hope in true change in the way this country's direction will go in the future.  Every election for the last 20 years...I've not seen nor felt that hope.  My affiliation set aside, I've been displeased with the presidential results and the direction of this country since I started following politics as a teenager.

The McCain/Palen ticket scared the shit ouf of me.  Palen's views on abortion classified as "creationalist" are so extreme, yet she is such a hypocrite (in my opinion) with her constant flaunting of not just being a hunter of game, but finding pleasure in the killing of wolves and other game in her home state.  I find it ridiculous that she can stand there and talk trash about a woman's right to choose and be so extreme as to not care about a human life at risk due to a pregnancy in the name of "God's plan", but then chooses to slaughter animals just for the fun of it.  Didn't "God" create the animals as well?! I'm so THANKFUL that the Republican ticket failed!!!  McCain would have continued the Bush administration for another four years.

Obama's acceptance speech was nothing short of brilliant.  I cried to finally see a Black American break through to the top office and I personally see so much of MLK in Obama.  Granted, I was born after MLK's death, but studied his life extensively as most of us do in school.  I've always believed and have taught my children to look beyond the color of skin, disability, gender, and orientation and look at the spirit and soul of a person.  I'm saddened by my eldest child not learning that lesson, but I hope for light to change his heart eventually one day.

Anyway, Blessed Be for this day, as it is the beginning for a new America.

a poem for a beautiful lady who knows who she is

For my Angel,

I don’t know how it happened
But I’m here again
Though this is something different
A different kind of ache

My heart longs for a woman
A special angel I’ve not yet met
I cannot get her out of my mind
Every dream, nor every breath

I long to feel her touch
The soft caress of her kiss
The sound of her sigh as she sleeps
Every moment without her I miss

How can this be so?
I couldn’t have planned on any of this
To be so deeply moved and loved
By a woman I have yet to be with

Auction Items
Hi Everyone,

Just wanted to let you know I've  opened a store on an auction site called e-witch.  You can find a ton of bargains on my items listed there!  Here's the link!


lots of personal stuff going on
I'm still here, although my posts my not show...I'm working on sorting some things out.  please don't hesitate to write me if you feel like it. 

I never can get used to the crickets in December
skunk237   left me a message today that it is snowing and very icy back home today.  My mother also mentioned the bad weather to my son.  It's so strange, because tonight it's just beautiful out, although the air isthick with humidity...and the crickets are chirping!!!  What's up with  that?  Isn't it almost Yule?  I got bit by a friggin mosquito the other day.  I wonder if I'll ever get used to this climate.  Dry one day and so humid the next you wonder if you're going to drown from the water you're inhaling or from being outside smoking a cigarette and of lung cancer first. Also, a dear friend of mine who I met here at LJ has decided to remove her journal and leave due to privacy issues and harassment.  I'm very sad about that because I don't know if we will continue to  stay in contact via email, although I really want to. One more thing...if you intend on putting in an order for Yule or Christmas, please do so by the 15th to allow  enough time for me to make the products and ship them to you. Take care all...I'm heading to bed.    LJ isn't being very nice to me tonight.  Sorry for the fucked up posting.

you just never know
Usually, this time of year is my busiest, making this or that for one person or another.  This year, I've set up my own website, and have expenses going out.  So far, I've had little business.  

So, for those of you who have thought about this gift or that, please give me a chance to earn your business.  My candles and other products are better than those you find in the stores, plus have all the love of a hand-crafted and customized item.

I know once you've tried my products, you won't want to go back to the store!


(no subject)
I posted about this drum being listed on ebay, but the sale of it was unsuccessful.  If you are looking for a NEW condition hand crafted drum, check out the closed auctions I have on .  My user name is Amberpixie8546 to view more pics.It is still for sale.  I paid over $225.00 for it, and will take $125.00.  Buyer pays shipping costs.   Will accept only Paypal for payment.  I will also be putting this drum up for sale on another auction site, so if you want it, you best hurry.  I'll take the first person who offers me the dough!


Hey everyone! I'm parting with my handcrafted dragon drum on EBAY

It's the last day my handcarved dragon drum will be up on EBAY, and the reserve has not been met.  It would be an awesome gift for anyone who enjoys toms, ceremonial circles, or drumming in particular.  It retails for $240.00, which I paid for it, and never learned to play.

It's in new condition and is absolutely gorgeous!  The reserve is 1/2 the retail on the drum...

If you are interested, please go to  NOW and place a bid!  The auction ends tomorrow!  My ID is Amberpixie8546.


rehab update
Everything is going great...I went to the surgeon and I'm way ahead of schedule on my healing path. I've had my first "true" physical therapy appointment where we worked on my range of motion, strength, etc. I was able to get my bend from 25 degrees to 60 degrees and my brace has been unlocked. No more peg leg from me. Better yet, doc doesn't believe I need surgery on my left leg. YAY!


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